Four Quick Reviews

Cloverfield:

A seriously excellent popcorn flick. The argument can be made that it addresses larger themes of consumerism, the inevitable selfishness that’s swept across the nation post 9/11, our country’s inability to handle the real monsters out there (the ones who attack without warning), etc., etc. Maybe it does, and maybe I’m doing J.J. Abrams, Drew Goddard, and Matt Reeves a disservice when I say, forget that shit. There’s enough to think about right now, and, what with the ongoing writer’s strike, a dearth of truly satisfying entertainment. So pop a Dramamine, fill your arms with salty sweets, and slip on your best suspension of disbelief sweater. This movie is 80+ minutes of fun – let yourself get sucked it.

There Will Be Blood:

The performances are excellent, it’s just a shame they have nowhere to go. I don’t mind settling in for a movie that takes its time to unfold, and for the first hour and a half I was pleasantly surprised at the way this slow-paced flick actually had me interested and invested. About two thirds of the way through, however, it became apparent that the director didn’t really know how to get to the climactic scene. The movie rambled on, and the payoff, while climactic, was also awkward and long overdue when it finally arrived. I left feeling vaguely disappointed.

Juno:

There are a few lines of dialogue at the beginning that come off as incredibly forced. I’m not sure if that’s because they were, in fact, forced, or rather because I hadn’t gotten to know the characters yet. Looking back, I think it’s a little bit of both. Perhaps if I saw this again, “Silencio, old man,” would seem quite natural coming from the lead’s mouth, although I doubt it. Nevertheless, this is a wonderful, beautiful movie that deserves all the accolades that are currently being showered upon it. It’s not a depiction of the average teen, and it never claims to be. The characters are all eccentric, yet they are all very real and, once established, they never once violate the boundaries that have been drawn for them. It’s a rare movie that can get you to laugh and cry, and it brings about both emotions honestly.

Atonement:

I liked it, but it’s not the best picture of the year. I wasn’t spoiled, but I knew the outcome from the trailers alone. This isn’t a bad thing. However, when your audience knows the end, the movie becomes entirely about the journey. Unfortunately, this journey had too many slow points. Additionally, the time jumps weren’t necessary for the story telling. I understand why they were put in, but I think the movie would have functioned better if told in a straight linear fashion – in the end, the audience would still be able to separate the truth from the lies. I do plan on reading the book, however, since something is always inevitably lost in the translation from page to screen.

State of the Union

In order to think of myself as an informed citizen, I feel compelled to watch the State of the Union addresses. In the Clinton years this was actually an enjoyable experience. However, Bush normally gets me so enraged that I wind up yelling at the television and turning it off in disgust after 20 minutes. Since this is an election year, I was determined to sit through the entire event. Whenever I felt my hand inching towards the remote, either to hurl it at the screen or change the channel, I started typing instead. The results are posted below.

The lady in green got an autograph? Do they let fans in at these things?

I have to wonder why so many women and minority members are clapping. Why the fuck is OBAMA clapping? Show some fucking backbone man.

What’s in the sealed envelopes he handed to Cheney and Pelosi? And why is PELOSI clapping? You can stand out of respect for the office, but you’re not obligated to clap for the man.

I don’t want to cooperate with Republicans. They’ve run roughshod over my country and my civil liberties for eight long years. They can go sit in the corner and cry for the next four.

Finally, a shot of some Democrats with conscience. In response to, “the IRS accepts checks and money orders,” Clinton and Biden sit stony-faced.

Surplus in 2012? We had a surplus when you arrived! Where did it go? Bush is the worst example of Republican spending we’ve had in decades.

Obama just lost my vote for good. He gave a standing ovation to Bush’s promise to veto any bill that doesn’t cut earmarks by 50%. I highly doubt Bush will stand by this, especially when Republicans start adding pork to the barrel.

No one can deny that No Child Left Behind’s results are CRAP! It’s so awful that Obama finally found something NOT to clap for!

It’s not sad that faith-based schools are disappearing from inner cities! You DO NOT take money away from public schools and pump it into Christian schools.

Why are we still waging the war on drugs? Legalize cocaine, tax the shit out of it, and we’d be (financially) set for decades.

I actually agree with most of Bush's environmental ideas, though I don't believe he's actually going to do anything to advocate on their behalf.

Every fucking day that we deny stem cell research, we are killing people. Don't give me crap about respecting life -- you're forcing people to live in pain and misery every day under the guise of "respecting the lives" of embryos that were NEVER going to grow into babies.

Faith based groups do not need nor deserve the support of the government. It's a direct violation of separation of church and state, and I don't want my tax dollars going to organizations that are often homophobic, racist, and/or sexist by definition.

He’s still playing the 9/11 card. He’s still referring to “evil men” who “hate freedom.”

If the new mission in Iraq was “work with the Iraqi forces to protect the Iraqi people,” what was the original mission? We should express our gratitude to the soldiers in Iraq by BRINGING THEM HOME!

It is long past time for Isreal and Palestinians to begin getting along. Why did it take seven years for Bush to realize this?

If the American public falls for rabble rousing over Iran so soon after being snookered by the bullshit in Iraq, we deserve what we get.

“Our ability to track terrorist threats will be weakened…” this means we won’t be able to listen in on your phone calls or trace the books you’ve checked out at the library.

“America opposes genocide in Sudan.” Excellent. What are we going to do about it?

RE: heath care… “We can bring healing and hope to many more” – by allowing citizens to purchase drugs from Canada!

“We the people,” should finally mean what it says. It’s time for the electoral college to be done away with.

Say Ahhhh

My dentist hums. This is a problem. Let me explain.

For a variety of reasons that are neither interesting nor pertinent to the story at hand, I went several years without visiting a dentist. When I finally made an appointment for a thorough exam last August, I knew I’d have some cavities. The dentist came in, we chatted, I admitted I’d been lax with the floss (but very good with the brushing!) and he took a full set of x-rays.

“I’ll just take a minute to look these over,” Dr. Z said, and scooted away on his rolling chair.

He spread the x-rays out in front of him, then picked one up and looked at it. After a few seconds, he grabbed a pencil and made some sort of mark. I guess he found a cavity. I kept watching. He moved on to the next x-ray and made another pencil mark. Another one, huh? He kept going. X-ray, pencil mark, x-ray, pencil mark, again and again and again! Maybe he’s keeping track of the teeth he’s looked at?

After about 10 minutes, Dr. Z spun around and asked, “Do you eat a lot of hard candy?”

“No.”

“Mints, lollipops, Altoids?”

“No, never.”

“Do you suck on cough drops?”

“Can’t stand ‘em. Why?”

“Because you have 22 cavities, and they’re all at the gum line. That’s pretty rare.”

Can dentists reject patients? Do people get dentures at 30? How much is a pint of blood going for these days? It’s amazing the types of thoughts a sudden rush of shame can trigger. Realizing that Dr. Z hadn’t called security to escort me from the office, and that dentures are pretty expensive, I took a deep breath and asked, “So, how many appointments do you think I’ll need?”

“Seven. Eight. Maybe more. You should make three to start with, and then we’ll see.”

So I have been visiting Dr. Z a few times a month. He’s a very nice man, and his staff is very friendly and kind. The hygienist always has a tissue ready for when I inevitably try to spit and wind up with a gob of drool on my chin. There are always stacks of Us Weekly and OK Magazine, so the gossip is good. And the music selection is pretty descent – adult contemporary, but generally of this decade. And yet, here’s where the problem lies. Because, like I said, my dentist hums.

The first time it happened, Dr. Z was holding the UV light thingy to a filling, setting it or baking it or whatever. I just know that I have to keep my eyes closed when I hear it beeping. The song If You Leave (from The Breakfast Club) came on. And Dr. Z started humming along.

Either he didn’t know the words, or his personal sense of decorum wouldn’t allow actual singing. Instead, his rendition went something like, “duh nuh nuh, huh nuh nuh, duh duh dun nuh nuh-nuh-nuh.” He was rockin’ out, as much as a dentist can rock out while humming along to an 80’s classic by a group called Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark.

I was so shocked I nearly burst out laughing. Unfortunately, I had a bunch of sharp metal things in my mouth, and one possibly blinding UV light thingy. So I couldn’t laugh. I held it in. After several seconds, Dr. Z stopped. Whew.

Then he started up again.

This went on for three minutes. Every time he would start humming, I would totter on the edge of hysterics, terrified that one chuckle would leave me with half a tongue or a throat full of gauze. Then he would stop, and just as I’d started to regain my composure, he’d be at it again.

When I left the office, I spent a good five minutes sitting in my car, laughing until tears rolled down my face. Every visit since, there’s always one song, and only one, that sets Dr. Z a-hummin. At this point, the anticipation of the humming is almost worse than the humming itself. With every song change, there’s a split second to wonder is this the one? And every time, I fight desperately to avoid laughing.

So far I’ve been successful, but I have three cavities to go.

Cookie Pie

Earlier this week I made plans to watch a couple of shows at a friend’s house. Her girlfriend was making dinner, so I offered to bring a dish. “Veggies or desert?” I asked. “Desert!” she replied. So I was put in charge of desert.

Knowing I had some chocolate chips left over from Christmas, I decided to use them to make superbly delicious $350 cookies. Alas, I soon realized I couldn’t do that, since I’d broken the blender a few months before (made even more tragic by the fact that I dropped it on the floor right after I'd spent 20 minutes cleaning the entire thing). I resigned myself to making seriously inferior cookies using the $0 Toll House recipe.

However, as I flipped the bag over to check the ingredients list, the words “Chocolate Chip Pie” caught my eye. Hello! What’s this? A recipe for what amounts to a giant cookie? In a pie pan? Excellent!

The recipe as written (including caps, in case you failed to notice the brand name on the front of the bag, and italics, in case you thought a graham cracker crust would go well with a giant chocolate chip cookie, and measurement translations, in case you never learned how to read the markings on a stick of butter):

• 1 unbaked 9-inch (4-cup volume) deep dish pie shell
• 2 large eggs
• 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/2 cup granulated sugar
• 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
• 3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) butter, softened
• 1 cup (6 oz.) NESTLE TOLL HOUSE Semi-Sweet Chocolate Morsels
• 1 cup chopped nuts
• Sweetened whipped cream or ice cream (optional)

PREHEAT over to 325.
BEAT eggs in large mixer bowl on high speed until foamy. Beat in flour, granulated sugar and brown sugar. Beat in butter. Stir in morsels and nuts. Spoon into pie shell.
BAKE for 55 to 60 minutes or until knife inserted halfway between outside edge and center comes out clean. Cool on wire rack. Serve warm with whipped cream.

I just got back from my friend’s, and the cookie pie was a hit. I served it warm with vanilla ice cream and French vanilla cool-whip. We’re doing the same thing next Sunday, and I’m bringing the desert again. Suggestions?

24 Days 'til Super Tuesday

This will undoubtedly be the first of many political posts that I’ll make here, so I figure it should be introductory in nature. I’m mostly libertarian, with a huge helping of social democrat. In a nutshell, I believe that people should be allowed to do whatever they want, up to the point where they pose a danger to others (then they obviously have to stop). I also believe that America has the moral obligation to care for children and people with mental and physical disabilities. What that means is something that I’m still working out, but I can give you the bare bones of my political philosophy. I’m sure most, if not all, of these ideas will get the full individual treatment in the future. The list below is by no means exhaustive -- it's what came to mind as I was typing this up.

• “Victimless crimes” are not crimes. For something to be considered a criminal act, one party must be emotionally, physically, or financially hurt or endangered by the actions (or deliberate inactions) of someone else.
• The death penalty is wrong.
• Every single child born in this country should be fed, clothed, sheltered, and medically cared for from birth through his or her eighteenth birthday.
• Abortion has always existed and always will. It must be safe and legal.
• If you’re over eighteen, you can marry whomever you want (so long as he or she is over 18 too).
• Coal, oil, and natural gas are finite resources. We need to put serious effort into finding ways to power this country using renewable resources.
• Every citizen should have access to affordable health care.
• A stem cell is not a human being. We need to increase the number of stem cell lines so there are more than enough available for whomever wants to research on them. We have it within our reach to cure Alzheimer's, repair spinal cord damage, grow new organs!
• The 2nd Amendment was written at a time when we had a militia, not an army, and people had to pack one bullet at a time into their muskets. You have to take a test to drive a car, you have to wait six weeks for your passpost to arrive in the mail, you can absolutely wait a few days to get your hands on a gun.
• Freedom of religion means not just that you have the right to worship as you choose, but that you can chose not to worship at all. Separation of church and state should be just that. Faith-based initiatives belong with the faithful, not the general public.
  

This list is getting lengthy, and there are at least 20 more issues at the tip of my tongue just begging to be added. So, I'm going to stop here, and leave talk of Iraq, Isreal, the FCC, national security, the Patriot Act, etc., etc. for another day. For those of you who haven't made up your minds yet about who you're going to vote for in the primary (and I know you're all going to vote!), let me leave you with a couple of useful links.

Select Smart allows you to compare two candidates' platforms side-by-side.

Pick Your Candidate is a short issue quiz that gives you a ranked list of candidates and a numerical score based on how their stances match up with yours.

National Platforms has more detailed candidate information than what you'll find on Select Smart, and it's provided by the candidates themselves. However, you can only see one at a time.

Scary Baby

I was born on October 30th, the day before Halloween. It has therefore always been one of my favorite holidays, a few of the reasons for which I've listed below.

1. I love getting presents, and the resultant high almost always carries over at least a day (often several).

2. In elementary school, I had a series of birthday party sleepovers on Halloween that always played out in the same spectacular way. A bunch of girls would come over around 5:00 or 6:00. Everyone would get into costume. It being the 80's, there was always the obligatory "punk" costume, which consisted of some skirt/shirt combo, lots of bracelets, rings, etc., and an old pair of stilettos four sizes too big with a wobbly heel. Oh, and lace gloves with the fingertips cut off. Hey, we were 10 -- Madonna, Dead Kennedys, what's the difference? We'd trick or treat for as long as miss punk's feet would allow, then drag her the 1/2 mile back to the house (this was always the low point of the evening). Once home, we'd spread out our hauls and have a giant candy exchange, where I could unload all my Butterfingers and Baby Ruths in exchange for Tootsie Rolls and Snicker bars. Add to this the customary birthday cake and ice cream, and these parties were kick ass.

3. I have a younger brother, born 5 and 1/2 years after me. That means that when I was, say, turning 12, Bryan was still several months away from 7. Younger siblings are notoriously easy to fool and almost eager to be taken advantage of. I fully admit to preying upon these tendencies to further increase my candy load. Thus, every November 1st, I would drag my bag of loot into Bryan's room and commence "negotiations." A grape Dum Dum for that Hershey bar? A fine trade indeed! Three peanut candy thingies (you know, wrapped in orange or black waxed paper) for a Nestle Crunch? A steal! A set of waxed lips for every piece of bubble gum in your bag? Highway robbery my friend! At the end of our "trading session," my brother would be left with a sad little pile of Jolly Ranchers, Sweet Tarts, and Sugar Mamas. Sometimes I'd feel magnanimous and dump a couple rolls of Smarties on top.

So, basically, I guess I love Halloween because it has historically allowed me to get things for free or much less than face value. Maybe I should have chosen a different topic for my inaugural blog.